I hope.....

I hope you'll forgive me for my long absence.

I anticipate that this will be a difficult post...
I debated whether or not to even come here...

I decided though, that instead of worrying about what to write, who will read this and what will be thought of me, I'd simply come here to let my heart spill out over the keys.
I'd do it for me...

I feel like I'm on the verge of bursting into a million tiny pieces.
It's proving necessary to get some of my thoughts out of my muddled head, rein my emotions back in check and dissuade my soul from bursting beyond recognition.

My heart is aching so.....
This is what it ponders....

What do you do when you find yourself reaching the end of a path? 
The path I'm on now has been narrowing for some time and despite my efforts to scratch the overgrowth away, I'm losing the battle.
My fellow Gardentender seems to be willing to put down his rake entirely.  Our combined effort is just enough for us to squeeze through, though our legs and feet bleed with the thorns of Life's weeds.  These wounds are left festering with the pain and burden of neglect.

He discards the rake from time to time, and I pick it up in desperation to try to rake with both.  I hold it out to him and ask him to rake with me...beside me...together.
I tell him the weeds are tough, but together, we are tougher.  I explain that though the path may seem like it is not clearing at first, we have to believe that it will, because together we can make anything happen....

I cry in exasperation that he doesn't take the rake I'm holding out.  I yell in frustration that I seem to be the only one who cares about clearing the path.  I stop and glance back at our little girl who needs a path to follow, and I wonder if the time will soon come that I have to clear a different path....one that doesn't require 2 people, 2 Gardentenders, to maintain.

My fellow Gardentender has just one week left after giving him a month's thinking time to decide if he wants to stay, hold his rake with both hands and make our path wide and beautiful. To use love, trust and reconnection to transform the garden around it to one that is thriving and nourished.

This is the path I still want to follow.  One I can see so clearly in my mind that is just under the surface, waiting to emerge.  I wish he could see this vision with me.

Or.....we let the weeds overrun this path....and find new ones.
Another hard choice. One, in my opinion, seems so lonely...but, perhaps his destiny lies on a different horizon?

I hope, in a week's time....he decides to plant roots with me. 
I hope he is ready to do the hard work that we must both do to make our way through the weeds and mend the bandaged, bloody sores we've been ignoring.

I hope...
...but I'm storing up seeds, just in case.