I hope.....

I hope you'll forgive me for my long absence.

I anticipate that this will be a difficult post...
I debated whether or not to even come here...

I decided though, that instead of worrying about what to write, who will read this and what will be thought of me, I'd simply come here to let my heart spill out over the keys.
I'd do it for me...

I feel like I'm on the verge of bursting into a million tiny pieces.
It's proving necessary to get some of my thoughts out of my muddled head, rein my emotions back in check and dissuade my soul from bursting beyond recognition.

My heart is aching so.....
This is what it ponders....

What do you do when you find yourself reaching the end of a path? 
The path I'm on now has been narrowing for some time and despite my efforts to scratch the overgrowth away, I'm losing the battle.
My fellow Gardentender seems to be willing to put down his rake entirely.  Our combined effort is just enough for us to squeeze through, though our legs and feet bleed with the thorns of Life's weeds.  These wounds are left festering with the pain and burden of neglect.

He discards the rake from time to time, and I pick it up in desperation to try to rake with both.  I hold it out to him and ask him to rake with me...beside me...together.
I tell him the weeds are tough, but together, we are tougher.  I explain that though the path may seem like it is not clearing at first, we have to believe that it will, because together we can make anything happen....

I cry in exasperation that he doesn't take the rake I'm holding out.  I yell in frustration that I seem to be the only one who cares about clearing the path.  I stop and glance back at our little girl who needs a path to follow, and I wonder if the time will soon come that I have to clear a different path....one that doesn't require 2 people, 2 Gardentenders, to maintain.

My fellow Gardentender has just one week left after giving him a month's thinking time to decide if he wants to stay, hold his rake with both hands and make our path wide and beautiful. To use love, trust and reconnection to transform the garden around it to one that is thriving and nourished.

This is the path I still want to follow.  One I can see so clearly in my mind that is just under the surface, waiting to emerge.  I wish he could see this vision with me.

Or.....we let the weeds overrun this path....and find new ones.
Another hard choice. One, in my opinion, seems so lonely...but, perhaps his destiny lies on a different horizon?

I hope, in a week's time....he decides to plant roots with me. 
I hope he is ready to do the hard work that we must both do to make our way through the weeds and mend the bandaged, bloody sores we've been ignoring.

I hope...
...but I'm storing up seeds, just in case.

 

Promises Kept

The month is quickly coming to an end, which in turn, means Project Hubby will also be wrapping up it's designated time frame. What an amazing, little journey this became....originally just a means to give my Sweetie a little extra attention (on a budget!), who suspected I'd be getting so much more out of it? If you knew something, you should have said something :)

There were times when I didn't have the little card waiting for him to discover in the morning....(because, quite frankly, I didn't have that day's card made yet...oops!) I'd get busy with my daughter and stress over something small, and for a brief moment, I'd think, " I did pretty good for a couple weeks, I can let one day slide. My Hubby will forgive me." ...and that's when I would suddenly find the time (and, somehow, the serenity) to create a little something for him to come home to.

I think I'm growing up a bit (gulp!).....because, in the past, I would have flaked halfway through...or, rather, not even taken on a month-long project because it would have been too hard. But, I'm a new Me when it comes to my Hubby...I've let him down in the past, and making this dedication to him...this February Celebration....needed to be as serious to me as my love for him.....

So, I perservered....

Yesterday was one of those days. SoI thought that I'd use the old refrigerator poem magnets that used to be so popular...oh, about a decade ago! You have any of those? I was getting a little bored of cards and needed something different.

I fished them out from their dusty perch on top of the fridge and opened the container. There were over 3 sets of random words piled inside....

......and a Love Poem....from my Sweetheart....from years past..... tucked in there, too.

I read those simple, honest words and my heart warmed and fuzzified (yes, it's a word...at least, in my world). Doesn't it figure that when you go out of your way to do something for someone else's benefit and pleasure.....you are rewarded in many ways. This was one. A little something from my Hubby to me that I would have never remembered was in there....probably would have never found....except for my search to use another method of conveying my affection.

I can see why they've been sitting up there for so long....it really is a pain to sift through all those tiny magnets, vision blurring from the sea of red, black and white!

Yet, despite my impaired eyesight, I managed to find this poem inside all those pieces.

And, yes, that is a toaster oven pan it's stuck to....our fridge is covered in Little Girl drawings, pictures, toys, etc. I know it's not the most romantic, not to mention, it doesn't stand up well on the piano...heehee, but it was portable. I wanted to make sure I put it somewhere where he wouldn't miss it. My daughter and I also bought him some flowers to replace those from Valentine's that have since withered away.

It was so cute. Hubby came home that night, our girl and I met him in the foyer for Welcome Home kisses and hugs. He gave us our share and then turned to me and said, "Where's my little card today? I looked all over for it, but couldn't find it....and I really needed it today."

When he rounded the corner, he saw the poem and the flowers. "The day's not over, yet!" I replied.

There was another reward for my good deeds.

I did, however, make sure I had a card out and ready for him this morning...since he had to wait so long yesterday....

I wrote about how I found his little poem, and all the mushy stuff that comes when feelings are known, hearts are given and promises are kept.

Operation Hubby

Well, now the cat's out of the bag, I can tell you my plans for the month of February!

I endeavor to show my beloved Husband just how special he is to me this month. I hope he knows that he is incredible all year long, cuz I don't actually have the energy to do something out of the ordinary every day....but at least for this month, I wanted to try. And so, starting with the 1st, ending with the 28th, and commemorating all the holidays in between, I am giving my hubby something from the heart. Again, he probably would prefer something from the kitchen, but we all gotta go with our strengths, right? (wink, wink)

I made these little cards with sweet sentiments written inside and am hiding them in various places for him to find in the morning before he goes to work. He's started lining them up on top of the piano and I get a little excited to see if a new one has joined it's friends there when I awake in the morning. Should be quite a clan there by the end of the month!

It is taking some creativity and planning to stay on top of 28 projects, but I credit my renewed craftiness (get it...cleverness and artsiness) on The Creative Everyday Challenge. Besides, I couldn't have found a more worthy subject to bestow such happy work on! And, hey, I figured this beats my usual "luf u" mumbled in mid rollover from one side of my pillow to the other while he gets up early for work....and even better than if I mustered the strength to lift my head slightly to make him bend all the way down to receive my morning-breath filled kiss...yah, I'm feeling mighty sneaky, and smiley :) right now!

Pillow Talk

Romance is in the air....well, if not romance, than the crispness and clarity that follows a rainy day, at least. Indeed, it is a beautiful day to be in love....and with a National Holiday dedicated to it, quickly approaching, that air can be knocked right out of you when the Big Day comes and you've nothing but an embarrassed smile and a foil wrapped chocolate heart you saw at the supermarket checkout line in your hand ( yes, that's been me ).

Let me, then, share with you a little token I made for my True Love a few Februarys passed.

It was 2006, I was 6 months pregnant, home on disability and had blown thru quite a bit of my savings while,"nesting", let's just say :) I was feeling even more incredibly mushy toward my better half on this Valentine's due to my condition....and the thought that no better gift could ever be given than the 2 of us becoming a family. How could I do something different than a simple card, flowers, a home-cooked dinner..... Actually, in looking back, my husband probably would have preferred a home-cooked dinner than the girly little pocket heart I hand-sewed and ribbon embroidered! Though I know he wouldn't have told me otherwise in my fragile state! I was so proud of this little pillow. I created it using all stuff I had around the house already, made it for the sole purpose of declaring love and presented it to him, complete with cheesy poem written on a handmade card!

I've included it here (get those eyes ready to roll!):

My love for you burns bright and true,

Growing stronger day by day.

My heartbeats pound at merely the sound

of your voice calling my name.

My soul sings out that I have found

my one and only Mate.

Forever in time, I'll be yours, you'll be mine,

Our bond will ever remain.

I told you it was cheesy....but I think it's okay to be a bit on the overdone side for Valentine's. And, although he can't store his keys in the pocket or use it as an oven mitt when he bbq's....it sure looks pretty hanging near my ( I mean my child's) art nook, I adore that it serves as a reminder of an exciting time in my life filled with such anticipation, such connection....to my Sweetheart, to my body and that little person growing inside me.

I've recently thought of another use for this sweet pillow pocket. I think it would make a wonderful Tooth Fairy pillow where our daughter could put her tooth before bed instead of under her pillow. Thinking of the small "gifts" she'll receive from the T. Fairy has me giddy already!

So, February, I'm waiting for you, dare I say, even ready for you to arrive! I've got a few more tokens of affection up my sleeve, and I'm anxious to give them......though, I should probably consider cooking a meal for my husband one of these days!