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Thursday, January 30, 2014

I hope.....

I hope you'll forgive me for my long absence.

I anticipate that this will be a difficult post...
I debated whether or not to even come here...

I decided though, that instead of worrying about what to write, who will read this and what will be thought of me, I'd simply come here to let my heart spill out over the keys.
I'd do it for me...

I feel like I'm on the verge of bursting into a million tiny pieces.
It's proving necessary to get some of my thoughts out of my muddled head, rein my emotions back in check and dissuade my soul from bursting beyond recognition.

My heart is aching so.....
This is what it ponders....

What do you do when you find yourself reaching the end of a path? 
The path I'm on now has been narrowing for some time and despite my efforts to scratch the overgrowth away, I'm losing the battle.
My fellow Gardentender seems to be willing to put down his rake entirely.  Our combined effort is just enough for us to squeeze through, though our legs and feet bleed with the thorns of Life's weeds.  These wounds are left festering with the pain and burden of neglect.

He discards the rake from time to time, and I pick it up in desperation to try to rake with both.  I hold it out to him and ask him to rake with me...beside me...together.
I tell him the weeds are tough, but together, we are tougher.  I explain that though the path may seem like it is not clearing at first, we have to believe that it will, because together we can make anything happen....

I cry in exasperation that he doesn't take the rake I'm holding out.  I yell in frustration that I seem to be the only one who cares about clearing the path.  I stop and glance back at our little girl who needs a path to follow, and I wonder if the time will soon come that I have to clear a different path....one that doesn't require 2 people, 2 Gardentenders, to maintain.

My fellow Gardentender has just one week left after giving him a month's thinking time to decide if he wants to stay, hold his rake with both hands and make our path wide and beautiful. To use love, trust and reconnection to transform the garden around it to one that is thriving and nourished.

This is the path I still want to follow.  One I can see so clearly in my mind that is just under the surface, waiting to emerge.  I wish he could see this vision with me.

Or.....we let the weeds overrun this path....and find new ones.
Another hard choice. One, in my opinion, seems so lonely...but, perhaps his destiny lies on a different horizon?

I hope, in a week's time....he decides to plant roots with me. 
I hope he is ready to do the hard work that we must both do to make our way through the weeds and mend the bandaged, bloody sores we've been ignoring.

I hope...
...but I'm storing up seeds, just in case.

 

19 comments:

trisha too said...

Oh, Cam.

The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace, and A Woman After God's Own Heart, by Elizabeth George.

These have both been an immeasurable help to me and, indirectly, our family.

Hugs and prayers, my sweet bloggy friend.

Kyra Wilson said...

Oh Hon, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have no advice or wisdom, I just hope that whatever happens that it leads you to where you are meant to be.

*hugs*

Getrealmommy said...

I can only guess what this is about. I am so very sorry. The best things in life are worth fighting for. good luck to you.

miruspeg said...

My dearest Cam
I am so sorry this has happened. Life certainly can throw us some curve balls that really really suck!

You are a brave soul my friend sharing this post. I hope writing these words eased your pain a little.

As always I send my love and light to help your aching heart.

Big big heart hugs
Peggy xxxxxxxx

Carmen said...

Oh Cam :( I'm so sorry to read this.

No matter what happens you will always share the knowledge that you created something beautiful in your time together and... although it hurts, maybe she will flourish if both parents tread a separate path, Mine stayed together for "us kis" separating when we were adults and oh how I wish they had done it when we were younger. How I wish I'd had the Dad I have now as a child. He's a different man. My Mum was a different woman too - not worn down with the effort of it all. I know you may not want to read my comment and I so hope you can see it for how I mean it.

Big hugs to you my gorgeous friend x x

Micki Wilde said...

Oh Cam, I'm so sorry to hear you are in so much emotional pain. I am here if you want to talk anytime, you know that hun. Hugs you x

Laura said...

Hoping for the best for you and so sorry for the pain you are in.

amy said...

I'm emailing you, because I can't comment fully here. xoxo

Magic Love Crow said...

I am so sorry Cameron! Sending healing prayers and big warm hugs!

Diane said...

Cameron,

Please know I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,
~Diane

Blissful Pumpkin said...

Oh Cameron,

So sorry and sad to hear what you're going through. You hang in there. You will get through this, no matter which path life leads you. Hang in there sweet friend.

Ginormous Hugs,
Kyles xo

Jennifer said...

My dear Cam. I am so happy you have come back to us all here ;) and shared what has been happening. This place is YOU and these are your people, let us continue to support you no matter what happens. You are so strong. Love you so much!

Laura said...

I'm several days behind in my reading. I do so hope that things will work out the way you want. But I know, that even if they don't, you will come through this stronger.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
blessings
~*~

Zorana said...

Dear Cameron, you are strong and good and will come through anything that you must, as a winner. I wish you the outcome that is best for your family and your heart... Many good thoughts going your way. And big cyber hugs. xoxoxoxo

Kyra Wilson said...

Just checking in. I hope you're OK!

Lisa Graham Art said...

Hi Cam, I stopped by to visit as it has been a while. I am so sorry you are going through this. I will be thinking of you and hoping that somehow things will come together.

Sending love your way. xo

NatashaMay said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, Cam. I'm sure whichever path you'll end up on, you'll make it just fine. Either way it will be tough. Hoping the best for you.
((((Hugs!!!))))

Kelly said...

Hello Cameron, Oh this is so sad to hear and I am so very sorry. I'm sending you my New Year word that I choose for myself to help me through 2014, PERSEVERE! Life can really be overwhelming at times, can't it!!! I will keep you in my prayers. Keep strong for "you" and your sweet Maggie! <3

miruspeg said...

Just checking in dear Cam and sending my light and love across the ocean.
Remember you are much loved my friend.
Big heart hugs
Peggy xxxxxxxxxxxx

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